No one likes to feel rejected or criticized. 

In fact, for most people, rejection is one of the more painful experiences in life. 

But for those of us who experience Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) — a common feature of ADHD, and some mood disorders — simply feeling rejected or criticized can feel excruciating, even feeling like intense physical pain.

Why do folks with ADHD often experience Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria? 

Because the brains of people with ADHD don’t filter signals the same ways that “typical” brains do, experiences such as certain physical sensations — and feeling criticized — can feel overwhelmingly intense. 

In response to that intensity, people experiencing RSD can feel rage, avoidance, anxiety, or sudden onset depression — all of which can impact our lives. 

In this post week, we’ll be sharing different ways to manage Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.

Even if you don’t experience RSD, the tips we’ll share this week will be helpful if you ever struggle with criticism and fear of failure or rejection — or have someone else in your life who does.

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria includes:

⚡️ Very intense emotional sensitivity to perceived criticism, rejection, or failure, with reactions that include rage, avoidance/anxiety, or sudden onset depression 

😪 Perceiving neutral or vague reactions as rejection 

🙈 Difficulty starting tasks, projects, or goals when there’s a chance of failure

😇 People-pleasing to avoid criticism

Practice "RAIN"

Our first tip comes from Tara Brach, a mindfulness teacher and mental health therapist. She offers the acronym, RAIN (recognize, accept, investigate, and nurture) for a guide on what to do when we’re struggling with an intense emotion. 

She also shares a story that illuminates how RAIN can work: 

Imagine you’re in a forest and come across a snarling fox. 

You might: 

• Recognize that the fox is snarling 

• Accept that that’s how the fox is without trying to be different

• Investigate and discover that the fox’s foot is caught in a trap, and 

• Nurture the fox by talking to it in a soothing voice and look for a way to free it. 

We can do the same for ourselves when we’re having big feelings. 

One of the things this practice does is help prevent the “second arrow” (a phrase that comes from Buddhism) of self-blame for the intense emotions we’re having, bringing awareness and compassion instead.

How to Practice RAIN

👀 Recognize what is happening, e.g. “I think someone is unhappy with something I did and I feel really anxious.”

🩵 Allow the feeling you’re having to be there, just as it is.

🧐 Investigate with interest and care, perhaps realizing that you really care about this relationship.

🤗 Nurture with self-compassion, e.g. let yourself know that it’s so human to care, and to feel pain around possibly falling short.

Regulate Your Nervous System

With the RAIN method, we learned a mindfulness-based practice for being with and caring for our intense feelings.

Next, let's learn about ways to cope when our nervous systems get hijacked by how painful it can feel to be criticized or rejected.

When you’re feeling really thrown off by something that feels like rejection — or really, anytime your nervous system is really activated — here’s a literal “tip” (as in the acronym TIPP 😜) from the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy world:

🧊 Tip the Temperature: Hold a zip-lock bag of ice to your face (or take a hot bath, if you’re feeling more sluggish or cold)

🏋🏽‍♀️ Intense Exercise: Run, lift weights, or anything that works up a good sweat

🌬️ Paced Breathing: Inhaling for 5, holding for 7, and exhaling for 8 can be helpful

🧘🏽‍♀️ Progressive Muscle Relaxation: From the crown of your head down, tighten and release your muscles

Another quick, effective option for when we’re feeling really activated because of feeling rejected, or anytime: run cold water on your face for 15-30 seconds.

This triggers the “dive response,” where our heart rate slows due to our brain thinking we are underwater, and can help us return to calm.

Embrace Your Sensitivity

We’ve talked about ways to recognize and nurture our intense feelings, and now we’re inviting you to own your rejection sensitivity as a superpower. 

You have the ability to feel things deeply and experience profound emotions.

Your heightened sensitivity can make you an amazing friend, colleague, or partner. Being sensitive can give you insight into what others are feeling, and therefore strengthen your empathy. It helps you devise creative solutions.  

As with any strength, there are situations when it can go too far — that’s why we’re learning how to cope with this sensitivity this week.

But today, we invite you to embrace this as part of what makes you such a wonderful caring, empathic person. 

Here's a quote we love:

“ADHD and creativity originate in the same inborn trait: sensitivity… The sensitive individual, as we have seen, draws into herself the unseen emotional and psychic communications of her environment... and will, therefore, have a deeper awareness of the world.”

― Gabor Maté

Enlist Support

Many of us live with extreme sensitivity to the perception of criticism and rejection.

We’ve covered ways to bring mindfulness and compassion when we’re experiencing intense feelings around perceived rejection and criticism, and how to cope with those feelings. 

Lastly, we’ll conclude with a reminder to seek out support.

We all need support, especially those of us who are very sensitive. Mental health therapists can help us when we’re struggling with the perception of rejection — as can friends, animals, nature, and even our wiser selves. 

When we’re perceiving criticism or rejection from someone, we can benefit from asking a friend to help us reality check our reaction.

And once we’ve used some skills to find more calm, we can even ask ourselves: Was that comment useful criticism, or intense criticism?

Was it a statement of a preference, or a suggestion?

You can ask a friend for their reality check, or even the person themselves.  

Time in nature often helps us “right-size” our emotions, or hold them in a wider perspective.

Trees don’t seem to criticize us, or each other, and pets are great reminders that we don’t have to be perfect to be loved 🙂

✧˖°. ⋆｡˚:✧｡

We hope our theme this week helped you find new ways to handle the intense feelings that criticism and rejection may bring.

Remember, many of us are challenged by these feelings and it pays to be compassionate to yourself, and others, when you are feeling stung by criticism! Trust us: being angry with yourself for these feelings never helps.

P.S. If you could use help accomplishing your goals this month and getting support from our amazing community, please join us at one of our live guided work sessions, or morning planning sessions!

Take care,

— Anna, focused space host