These days, the truth is a pretty powerful and rare thing. 

But sometimes, sharing the truth (as we see it) with other people doesn’t go over super well… and this is all the more relevant, and sensitive, in times with such deep division in our country.

Whether we’re having a conversation about a difference of opinion — or giving feedback about someone’s work — there seem to be so many truths out there.

And it is a common human reaction to become defensive or upset when someone challenges something we believe, or something we worked really hard on.

One reason for this is that as social creatures, we all want to feel loved and accepted in groups that are important to us, and critical feedback can feel threatening to belonging. 

This week’s theme is all about how to share our perspective with others, compassionately. 

People you work with — and probably people you live with, too 😜

We’ll be talking about how to get good at asking open questions, giving clear, constructive feedback, and sharing our truth with others in a way that preserves — and maybe even strengthens — our relationships.

Bring Calm, Get Buy-In

If you have something hard to share, whether that’s critical feedback or just a difference of opinion, it can be just as difficult to express it as it is to hear it.

That’s why, before sharing something that may be challenging, we recommend that you work to calm your own nervous system, and check that you’re coming from a place of care for this person and the relationship. 

The person you are talking to will feel this, and it is important for you both. Consider taking some deep breaths, feeling your feet, and centering on what’s in your heart.

Next, it can be helpful to ask if the other person is open to feedback. When we ask for consent this way, it helps prevent the nervous system’s all-too-common, fight or flight reaction to feedback. 

Not only do these types of questions ease the way to a potentially difficult conversation, it also helps the recipient feel prepared and ready for the conversation.

How to Give Feedback, Step 1:

Ensure that your own nervous system is calm, and that you’re coming from a place of care for this person and the relationship. Take a breath. Feel your feet. Center on your heart.

Seek buy-in with a question, like:

❓ “Are you open to my perspective on this?”

❓ “Are you open to talking about how that last interaction went?”

❓ “I have some ideas about X — can I share them with you?”

Start with Observable Facts

Here's another tool to help you tell the truth, compassionately and skillfully: stick to offering objective, observable information about the issue. 

Not only does this help get everyone on the same page, but it helps clearly point to a specific thing that might be addressed, and avoids the trap of calling someone’s entire character into question.

For example, you might say: “I got your report 2 days late” instead of “You’re always late!”

Or, if you disagree on a political issue, you might share a non-judgmental example grounded in fact or personal experience, rather than focusing on the other person’s values more broadly.

Don’t forget to throw in appreciative feedback when you can, like: “Thank you for being right on time, and bringing snacks!” Or: “I love how much you care about fairness.” 

Esteemed couples therapists, Drs. John and Julie Gottman suggest that a ratio of 1:9 of critical to appreciative feedback is what’s required for relationships to thrive — and this can extend to our greater social circle too. 

How to Give Feedback, Step 2: 

Be objective, giving observable facts that all can agree on.

Remember to give positive feedback too — in a 9:1 ratio if possible for personal relationships in particular 😎

Share Impact, using “I” Statements

So far we’ve discussed:

1. Calming your own nervous system, and getting consent and buy-in for difficult conversations to create more safety, and:

2. Staying specific and objective to ground in shared facts

Now we’ll be talking about sharing how something had an impact on you.

This can be as straightforward as sharing the impact of lateness, such as: “I missed the beginning of an event that was important to me,” or can include feelings that are a bit more vulnerable.

Compassionate communication, aka Nonviolent Communication, developed by Marshall Rosenburg, offers a way to share feelings, needs, and requests in a way that avoids blame and shame. 

Using this framework, you might share: “When you leave dirty dishes, I feel frustrated because it’s important to me to have space to easily move around as I cook.”

You can also close with a request, such as: “in the future, I’d really appreciate it if you washed your dishes after using them.”

How to Give Feedback, Step 3:

Share impact, like: "I was blocked in my work.” For more sensitive people in your life, consider noting that you know this wasn’t their intent. 

For appreciative impact: “I loved the graphics you used — they really helped me understand the story!”

For personal relationships, consider sharing feelings and needs, such as: “When you did X, I felt Y, because it’s important to me that [insert generally universal need].” You can close with a request, like: “next time, I’d love it if you did Z.”

Make it Easy for Others to Share

We’re going to end our discussion of sharing the truth by flipping our perspective: how can we create better conditions for other people to share their truths with us?

And how can we receive differences of opinion or feedback in a more constructive way?

Using open questions is a great way to invite people’s response to things you’ve shared, helping grow a culture of feedback and collaboration, as well as increasing safety and buy-in.

Noticing how your nervous system is doing, and finding ways to ground and stay calm is once again important here. 

Another great tool for receiving differing viewpoints comes from the book Crucial Conversations: view the person you’re talking to as reasonable, rational, and decent.  

In work relationships in particular, it is helpful to ask for other people’s opinions regularly. 

When others see us as hungry for different perspectives, and valuing its usefulness, they will feel more trusting in our motives for sharing our truths, too.  

And the more we practice on both sides, the easier it will get! 😎

How to Give Feedback, Step 4: 

Invite feedback after giving it — and do so often!

Some open questions you can try: “How do you see it?” or  “This is what I’m thinking would work well, but what are your thoughts on it?”

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We hope this week's discussion of compassionate ways to share and hear the truth brought some new strategies to your communication toolkit.

P.S. If you could use help accomplishing your goals, busting through procrastination, or getting motivated — join us at one of our live guided work sessions, or morning planning sessions!

Take care,

— Anna and the focused space team