This week, we are exploring the art of confidence.

Everyone wants it, but it can be pretty misunderstood.

Sometimes we encounter people who seem to have a sort of natural self-assuredness and mystique, and we assume that confidence must be something that a person is born with… or maybe they just have a different brain… one that doesn’t make them question themselves constantly.

While it’s true that some people do seem to have that “X-factor,” it’s worth remembering two things:

1) We don’t know what’s really going on in their head

And perhaps most importantly… 

2) Confidence is a skill, not a gift from the gods. It’s something we can practice and learn. 

The root cause of Imposter Syndrome

In case you’re not familiar, Imposter Syndrome is a psychological phenomenon where people experience intense, persistent self-doubt and the fear of being exposed as a "fraud," despite clear evidence of their competence and success.

One of the root causes of Imposter Syndrome is not realizing that successful people who reach the “top” of anything in life — in their professions or in their personal lives — are just as flawed as we are.

In other words, we know ourselves from the inside, but others only from the outside.

People we admire experience many of the same things that we do in life: they feel burnt out, they feel pressure not to fail, they feel shame and regret about past decisions. These feelings belong to all of us. 

Imposter Syndrome can be lessened by taking the leap of faith that despite surface evidence to the contrary, successful people are much like ourselves.

If we were in their positions, we wouldn’t be imposters, we would be normal human beings, just like them.

Recognizing their humanity helps us recognize our own humanity, and see that at a basic level, we are not so very different after all, and thus not imposters.

Self-Sabotage

We’re all probably familiar with fear of failure, and with perfectionism that gets in the way of starting things… but it turns out that success can actually bring out just as many anxieties!

And these anxieties can impact our behavior. 

The anxiety typically stems from a few underlying concerns, like a worry that achieving success will alienate our friends, or prompt jealousy.

We might worry that reaching a new level will invite higher expectations, or that we won't be able to consistently sustain the success. This is related to the idea of Imposter Syndrome.

Self-sabotage can sometimes look like procrastination, creating unnecessary obstacles for ourselves, or quitting just before reaching the finish line. 

It can also manifest as applying ourselves half-heartedly, which can happen when we feel like it’s too risky or painful to hold onto hope for a positive outcome.

For all of these cases, it can just be helpful to keep this concept in mind, and notice when our behaviors don’t seem aligned with what we say we want. 

Often, just this gentle noticing can help us be a little more patient with ourselves, and redirect our behaviors towards something that may serve us better.

Loving the struggle

One of the greatest injuries to our self-confidence is believing that things should have been easier than they turned out to be.

We are surrounded by stories that make success seem easier than it is, which we internalize.

We often think that if something is hard for us, it’s because we suck at it.

This becomes the negative evidence that we need to prove to ourselves that we are indeed imposters. It can even often leave us feeling a bit humiliated, and cause us to give up and stop trying.

So counter-intuitively, telling ourselves the truth about what struggles we might encounter — and then deciding to go forward and learn to love the act of struggling anyway — can actually be a better path to confidence than telling ourselves more optimistic narratives. 

Confidence isn’t the belief that we won’t encounter obstacles, but rather the understanding that difficulties are an inescapable part of all meaningful projects in our lives.

Hesitancy and Modesty

One of the funny things about confidence is that we may both love it and hate it at the same time.

We may aspire to be more confident, but somewhere inside ourselves we might feel like it's a bit wrong. That being modest is a morally superior trait, or that speaking up for ourselves might make us seem arrogant.

We may worry that if we are confident, we will turn into a version of ourselves that we don’t quite like anymore.

But the truth is, confidence can — and does — coexist with sensitivity, kindness, generosity, and other values we may hold dear.

In fact, confidence may actually help us fight for these values in circumstances where it matters most. 

Confidence helps you bring your talents and ideas to the world at large. Far from being a trait for your own selfish purposes, it can be used to enrich the lives of those around you, too.

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We hope our guide to confidence gave you a few new things to think about! Confidence usually doesn't come through simple "tips and tricks," but through mindset shifts in how we see ourselves and the world.

P.S. If you aren't a member of Focused Space, but could use help accomplishing your goals, busting through procrastination, or getting motivated… you are welcome to join us at one of our live guided work sessions, or morning planning sessions!

Take care,

— Alexis and the focused space team